At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
