i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
