matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
