Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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