also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
So apparently I’m into choking now
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