she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I didn't notice because vodka
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
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