So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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