This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
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