you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
