I think im going to throw up on grandma
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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