Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
