dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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