I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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