I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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