I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
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