I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
