FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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