Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I just gargled with NyQuil
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
