Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
