my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
