Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
