Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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