Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
