apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
