I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Randomize
