i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
