Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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