put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
