I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
