The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
