I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
