dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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