i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Randomize
