sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
