i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
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