That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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