I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
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