I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
