She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
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