Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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