i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
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