Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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