yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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