So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
