I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Randomize
