Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
My dick has a subreddit
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
