"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
