if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
