I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
