He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Randomize
