YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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