Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
The beer is more important than you right now.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Randomize
