I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
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Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
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I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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