so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Randomize
