Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
