i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
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