I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
