Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
